There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
