I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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