I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
