So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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