I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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