Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
My ass is underappreciated
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
