tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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