Will you blow on my dice?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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