Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
