You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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