dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
