we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
