Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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