this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
