4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
