sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
