I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
