I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
she peed on how many people?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
