my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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