I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
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