i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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