you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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