where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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