Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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