Non-Jews are for practice
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
