I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
