Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
