i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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