I should be sponsored by Trojan
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
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