I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
