The police scanner is talking about you again....
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
