your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
