I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
