never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
