considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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