youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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