i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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