Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
