everyone is single if you try hard enough
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
