You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
