I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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