I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
