I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
