just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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