I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
