I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
