you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Dear god my vagina.
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