I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
