A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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