My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
