Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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