We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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