If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
His nipple licking is glorious
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